ADD/ADHD Behavior Management: Your Young ADD/ADHD Child in Public Places
Does your ADD/ADHD child drive you crazy every time you take her out? She runs away if you don’t hold her tight, insists on exploring off-limit areas, pays no attention when you scream after her, creates a scene when you want to leave …
Lots of parents I know hate going out with their Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD/ADHD) children because every time they do it’s likely to end in embarrassment, anger, and tantrums. But it does not have to be like that - with the correct behavior management, you can make family outings a pleasure. Here are five things I’ve learnt that make it more fun for me and my hyperactive four-year old when we go out together:
1. Explain that she should stay close to you before you start
Tell your child that children and their moms or dads should stick together when they go out - that’s the way things are done because it’s dangerous for children to wander too far from their parents. I needed to explain frequently the first few days before my son understood the principle. Now he knows he must not stray too far, though he still needs to be reminded occasionally.
While shopping, try giving your child a job like pushing the trolley or getting what you need from the shelf while you read your list aloud, and promise a reward after the shopping is over.
2. Hold her hand loosely, but keep a sharp eye
Don’t hold her tight around the wrist. Let her hold your hand. This means you need to be alert to what she is up to all the time, and not just drag her behind you while you do your work. But it has the advantage of forcing her to be more aware of you and focusing on not getting separated (you may find out to your pleasant surprise that your ADD/ADHD child does want to be with you and does not want to get lost).
When I switched my own hand-holding technique, my son was not happy and actually tried to persuade me to grab him tight like I used to (that’s why I feel this makes kids lazy, and gets them used to leaving it all to mum). But he adjusted quickly, and now he follows me most of the time. Sometimes he does not want to hold hands at all - that’s okay so long as he is somewhere I can keep an eye on him (again, some reminder to stay close helps).
3. Tell her what she can touch and what she cannot
ADD/ADHD children love to touch things. You should not try to stop all touching, but you should teach your child how to handle things appropriately and carefully. Explain that touching things on display, pulling curtains, and going through the billing counter is bad manners. Don’t say she should not do those things because she is sure to ruin something and embarrass you or make you pay.
When it’s possible, stay close to her and let her linger over the things she finds fascinating. Don’t let her run or play with fragile or expensive things, but do teach her to handle them carefully and put them back in their place when she’s finished.
4. At places of worship, prepare your child
Do a lot of explaining before going to the church or the temple, and whisper reminders when your child gets restless. Keep a few books she likes close by, so she can look at something meaningful to her.
If you are married, or have an adult friend you go to church with, you can seat your child between the two of you. Being between two adults seems to calm children down and give them a very physical idea of how far it is ok to move. But don’t expect her at this stage to stay seated like an adult. Be satisfied if she does not try to move away from you both, does not talk loudly, and does not disturb others.
5. Go more often to parks and zoos
Green areas and the freedom to run without being afraid of traffic seem to be natural ADHD treatment - it helps children calm down. You don’t get the same effect from play areas within buildings or those closely surrounded by any kind of concrete. If you have a large park or a zoo or green area close by, go there every evening. If the nearest park, zoo, or picnic area is an hour’s drive or more away, go every weekend.
For many hyperactive, distractible children with few positive social experiences, such outings are the only time when they can be themselves and not have others shout at them. One successful ADHD adult man says the times he spent hiking and fishing with his dad were the times they bonded emotionally and that these times laid the foundation for his acceptance of his dad’s values as his own.
6. When there is conflict, be reasonable but firm
When your child is being impossible, you may need to just take her out - of the shop, theater, church or wherever - rather than give in to whatever she wants. Keep your composure (I know this is easier said than done) and don’t embarrass your child (and yourself) by shouting. If you need to make a point, do it with the tone of your voice rather than volume.
If things escalate, get your child out and let her face the consequences. Remember that the consequences should be reasonable and related to whatever was the offence. If she misbehaved in a restaurant, don’t take her out to eat for a week or two, but don’t cut TV privileges.
But do allow your hyperactive, distractible children the freedoms natural to their age. All children tend to wander off unless an adult keeps an eye on them, all children get bored when someone keeps going on about things not relevant to them (and adults do too!), all children love chocolate, all children want to touch things. As parents, we need remember the person behind the label of attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder, and we need to work hard to have good times with this person, difficult or not so difficult, to be able to reap the rewards of shared values and friendship in adulthood.
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